You Are Worthy of Love: Mental Health Monthly
Author’s Note: Please note that I am not a mental health professional, and what I’ve written herein is not intended as a substitute for professional help. If you are feeling overwhelmed or lost, 60 Digital Resources for Mental Health may help you seek out professional resources to fit your specific needs.
Each year as January comes to a close, stores, Facebook feeds, and inboxes become filled with pink and red heart-shaped marketing: the modern banners of Valentine’s Day. (AKA, the now Hallmark holiday some feel is bound and determined to remind them that they are “#foreveralone.”) Some may be excited about the prospects of planning their Galentine's Day virtual brunch or looking forward to buying mountains of half-off candy on February 15th. While I would gladly discuss the superiority of the heart-shaped Reese’s, I’m here to talk about self-love.
Some people see self-love as a way to mask their loneliness this time of year, but self-love is not a placeholder for a potential partner—it’s something you bring into a relationship. Self-love is not sad or lonely, nor is it something so simple as a luxurious bath, treating yourself to a new pair of shoes, or binging your favorite TV show. While it can include all of those things, at its core, it’s an invaluable emotional relationship that you have with yourself.
Self-love is knowing your worth, and embracing every single aspect of who you are, flaws and all. It’s working to better yourself while at the same time knowing that you are enough. It’s tending to your needs, understanding what is important to you, and having the difficult conversations with yourself that end with, “It’s for your own good.”
I have had a tough history with self-Love. I’ve spent a good portion of my life feeling unworthy, unlovable, not enough. For many years, the only time I ever felt good about myself was when others told me I was good. So, at a young age I formed the belief that a person’s worth is determined solely by outside perspective. I spent my days chasing the approval of others to fill my cup and make me feel loved, only to feel depleted and unworthy once again as soon as I was alone. And while it is essential to surround yourself with a solid support group in life, this cannot be your only source of love. You need a sustainable wealth of love that comes from within.
At first, self-love seemed completely unrealistic to me. It seemed like a lie that people told themselves to feel better about not being good enough. This frame of mind was perpetuated by my toxic habit of seeking approval, until I began to imagine the freedom: What is it like to make a decision based on what you want instead of what pleases others? What is it like to love your body just the way it is? Could I really find happiness just by allowing myself to be so?
I started with small moments: wearing outfits I felt comfortable in instead of trying to adhere to a standard, eating food for how it tastes and how I enjoy it instead of justifying a diet, and enjoying what I love most free of shame (cue High Top Shoes by Jojo Siwa!) These small acts of self-love helped me find courage for bigger acts like advocating for myself in my career, my relationships, and letting my emotions take up space so as to not mistreat myself anymore. All of these moments opened doors to a happiness that I could generate for myself. I began to see myself, my true self, emerge from hiding.
While I continue to experience victories in self-love every day, I still have a lot of work to do.
After many years of desperately seeking the approval of others on every aspect of my life, I have had to spend a lot of time unlearning my toxic habits and learning how to love myself. Self-love is not a magic spell, it is hard work. It’s retraining your thoughts, learning to tell yourself that “it's ok,” and then believing it; it’s taking the moments where you feel negatively about yourself and finding what you can learn from them, and then bringing what you have learned into your relationships, so that you can maintain your wealth of love while also allowing yourself to be loved. This all takes practice.
I still have many, many days where I don’t love myself. And I am learning that that’s ok, too. It’s ok to stumble in your quest for self-love—equally okay to wonder if that quest might never end... And if it doesn’t? Well, that’s ok, too.
As we go through life, we will constantly be faced with challenges that make us question our worth. An experience that emotionally knocks you down, maybe a person enters your life who brings chaos and negativity, or a person exits unexpectedly, shaking your foundation. These moments will continue to come and go, but you can face anything that comes your way with the power of self-love. Keep practicing. Get back up. Know you are not alone.
To help you begin your self-love journey, I want to offer a few affirmations I use to help me navigate my own:
I deserve happiness.
I do not need to settle for less than what I deserve.
My worth does not fluctuate, my worth is a constant.
I am worthy of love even if I do not yet love myself.
It’s ok not to be ok.
I am enough.
And here are a few resources you might check out to find inspiration, soothe you, pump you up, or make you smile when you need it most. Use these as a starting point to find more tools that resonate with you:
Listen
Lizzo, “Cuz I Love You:” This album is guaranteed to remind you that you are the HBIC
Oprah Super Soul Conversations-Oprah and Lady Gaga: Your Life In Focus- Oprah talks with Lady Gaga regarding her career, the many lessons she has learned in life, and how she practices mental and physical wellness.
Who Knows? Podcast Season 2 Episode 8- “Me” :Hear guests of the podcast answer the question “How do you love yourself?”
Watch
Ted Talk-Kristin Neff: The Space Between Self Esteem and Self Compassion: Kristin Neff introduces the concept of Self Compassion and how you can begin to treat yourself with more kindness
Disney’s Moana: Moana embodies strength andbravery on her journey to discover the origins of her identity. Be prepared to shed a few tears as Moana sings, “This is not who you are, you know who you are”
Steven Universe, Created by Rebecca Sugar for Cartoon Network: Steven embarks on many journeys and learns many things in his home of Beach City, but at its core, this cartoon hero is learning how to be his own person while also helping others.
Read
Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop—A book that helps you learn to get out of your own way. It’s tough and honest.
I Am Enough by Grace Byers—This may be a children's book, but I believe it was truly written for anyone of any age who needs to be reminded that they are enough.
Home Body, by Rupi Kaur— A collection of poems about self-love
