Your Identity is True: Mental Health Monthly

Author’s Note: Please note that I am not a mental health professional, and what I’ve written herein is not intended as a substitute for professional help. If you are feeling overwhelmed or lost, 60 Digital Resources for Mental Health may help you seek out professional resources to fit your specific needs.

I love a good rainbow cookie and belting out Lady Gaga at the top of my lungs, but pride month has many layers that go far beyond celebration. Its history is rooted in decades of LGBTQIA+ individuals fighting against oppression for the right to move through the world safely and happily. That work rages on to this day and is far from over.

For those unaware, same sex marriages were just legalized in all 50 states only 6 years ago this month. And the Stonewall Uprising, one of the most pivotal movements in LGBTQIA+ history, sees its 52nd anniversary this year. One would think by now this kind of bigotry based on gender and sexual orientation would be a thing of the past, but there are countless leaders and citizens of this and every country around the world who still stick their nose where it does not belong. One could imagine how this harmful and ignorant agenda could affect the mental well-being of members of the LGBTQIA+ community. When just being who you are can bring forth ridicule, injustice or harm, that pain and potential danger becomes part of your daily thought.

While queer individuals may bond through community, how we move through that community, what we’ve experienced, and the challenges we face ring differently for each of us. Today I can only speak from the perspective of a bisexual woman. One who has been very lucky to have unwavering support from all my family and friends about who I am and how I want to live my life. Where I find the most turmoil is within myself.

I’ve known that I was bi since I was at least seven or eight. I don’t remember when I discovered what bisexuality was exactly, but once I heard about it, I knew that was me. I never really thought much about it or felt the need to tell anyone. Labels have never really mattered to me. I also felt like it wasn’t worth it for me to explain to people that even though my dating history consists of mostly men, I am in fact queer. So, I just moved through life feeling as though that part of my identity didn’t matter. Looking back, I think that kind of thinking was solidified by the few moments that I did try to come out and was met with “Who cares?” (which, yes, being queer shouldn’t be a big deal in a negative way, but it did dull my sense of self a bit) or the classic oversexualization of the idea of two women together. No validity for my identity was ever shown to me, so I figured no one cared, and when I was young, I didn’t care either.

However, more recently, I’ve I started feeling as though a part of me is missing. Something I felt l’ve been denying and almost hiding from. That dismissive nature of my bisexual identity in my formative years has evolved into feeling as though I don’t deserve to take up space as a queer person. I’ve begun to think that because I intend to marry a man that I’m not “queer enough,” or that I’m in this “now or never “situation where I have to decide if I am really queer or not. I’ve spent nights crying and plagued with fear. I know I’m queer, but what if I try to tell someone and they don’t believe me? Am I allowed to be an openly proud queer person? Is who I am enough to fit the bill? I’ve even begun to feel like my gender is more fluid than I originally thought it to be and that has brought me even more fear. How do I explain that while presenting as a woman? With She/Her pronouns? Who will believe that I am queer?

For a long time, I was too afraid to say any of these feelings aloud. But one day, I finally worked up the courage to talk to a friend of mine, a writer whose work focuses on the queer experience, specifically the process of coming out. When I explained to her what I was feeling, she assured me that I was not alone. That even she, married to a woman, has that same line of questioning in her own mind about her place in the LGBTQIA+ community. She explained that because the queer community is often met with negativity from the world, we often silence ourselves before anyone else has a chance to do so. She said that it can feel easier to hide who you are than deal with what others will have to say about it. “But the fact is,” she said, “that who you are should be celebrated, and not just with flags and parades, but in the way that fits best for you.”

It’s clear that for me, continuing to silence this part of my identity wasn’t fitting for me anymore. So, I’ve begun to work up the courage to show up authentically and unapologetically. Some days are easier than others, but as I continue to share these feelings with the people who are in my life now, I am being met with much more joy and love than when I was younger. I guess you could say that I’m on the second half of my coming out journey. And I’m so grateful to not only have the continued support of my friends and family, but the LGBTQIA+ community at my side as well. I am a proud member and will continue to find my pride as well as fight for others to find theirs, as well as safety, acceptance and happiness.

Finding pride in who you are in your identity and sexual orientation is a very personal experience. I want to state again how incredibly lucky I am to be met with love on my journey, and how there are many others who have not had that same luxury. It’s incredibly painful to watch those you love and even just members of this community—people who wish to love and be loved—be told that they are wrong by society, and, even more painfully, by their own flesh and blood. That mental anguish is real and must not be ignored. It would be like trying to ignore taking a breath. It’s no way to live.

If you are a member of the queer community, remember you are not alone. Though you may walk a path that is all your own, with your own fears and sadness and confusion, you are not without individuals that are ready and willing to hear you, see you, cry with you, and lift you up when you are struggling. Most important of all, YOU get to decide what is right for you. You can come out as slowly as you want to, to whomever feels right for you.

Coming out is not what makes your identity true— being who you are is enough. Every single day of the year, celebrate yourself the way that you see fit. And never let yourself think for a second that you don’t deserve to do so.

And for allies, my only hope is that you've seen how serious it is to acknowledge and support the LGBTQIA+ community in a REAL way, not just with the purchase of a rainbow t-shirt. See us as people who just want to be happy and use your voice to fight with us for our right to exist.

I want to offer a few affirmations for our LGBTQIA+ readers who may need a boost of strength for the more challenging moments in your life:

·  My happiness is important

·  I deserve to be loved

·  I don’t have to prove anything to anyone

·  Those who truly love me will love every part of me

·  I am not alone

·  Who I am is who I need to be

And here are a few things for everyone to check out that may make you feel seen or heard or that you may find enjoyment in or learn from during this and every month:

Listen

• Lady Gaga- Need I even give an explanation? Rock out, live out loud, know that you were born this way, baby.

• Nancy- A podcast filled with humor and heart. Covering an array of topics and stories all about the queer experience.

• Who Knows? Podcast Season 4 Episode 3 “Coming Out” with Olivia Meeks-Olivia shares her coming out from the first person she told all the way to today as she navigates a world that is still working to understand and accept her.

Watch

• The Death and Life of Marsha P Johnson- Marsha P. Johnson is one of the most pivotal pioneers of the birth of pride. Many people know who she is, but this documentary gives a look at uncovering the truth about her death. It has been called “required viewing” for LGBTQIA+ history.

• Steven Universe- A cartoon with amazing queer love representation.. It’s the perfect combination of all the feels and all the fun. You will have a favorite gem by the end of season one for sure!

• “It’s Pride Again!”- Everyone loves a silly SNL skit. This hilarious music video bit might give you a good laugh about some of over-the-top parts of pride celebrations.

Read

• Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic By Alison Bechdel- Alison Bechdel’s graphic novel memoir tells the story of her childhood and the discovery of her father’s hidden homosexuality. She, having recently come out as a lesbian, works to find answers, and resolve his hidden past.

• Felix Ever After By Kacen Callender- A story of love, self-discovery and self-acceptance. As Felix battles transphobia and searches for love, he also discovers the importance of self-love and the importance of honoring the love that you deserve.

• Entertainment Weekly Interview with Lil Nas X – Lil Nas X shares what the newest moments in his career have meant for him and how he finds the courage to step into his true self to inspire others to do the same.