It’s OK Not to Be OK: Mental Health Monthly
Author’s Note: Please note that I am not a mental health professional, and what I’ve written herein is not intended as a substitute for professional help. If you are feeling overwhelmed or lost, 60 Digital Resources for Mental Health may help you seek out professional resources to fit your specific needs.
I want to offer a trigger warning for this piece, which discusses topics of suicide and self-harm, if you feel that you are better off skipping this piece, please do so. Your mental health is more important than any piece of content. I will offer the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for anyone who might need it: 800-273-8255. Available 24/7, in several languages. Please reach out if you are in need.
Even though September holds specific space for suicide prevention awareness, I believe that even though suicide is a very difficult topic, it is one that deserves awareness, support, and visibility in a big way all year round. Sadly, the current statistics on suicide state that every eleven minutes, someone takes their own life. That kind of weight is one we cannot only talk about in one 30 day span.
In my past, I've struggled with self-harm, suicidal ideation, self-destructive behavior, intensely low self-esteem, and mountains of trauma. There were days where the only coping skills I had involved inflicting pain on myself, running away, or just screaming. These days, I have an amazing therapist that I see often, and she has taught me a lot of ways to handle the emotional challenges that I face. I've learned how to communicate my emotions more effectively, I’ve developed healthy coping skills for the tougher days such as increasing my movement when I’m feeling anxious, or turning to soothing sounds or visuals when my mind is racing. I've done a lot of mental health work and have grown in huge ways. I'm happy to say that most days, I really love myself and am very good at taking care of myself and managing my feelings. However, there are still some days where I feel the intense pain I’ve felt through the many phases of my mental health journey, and the old ideas of self-harm and suicide begin to creep in.
With the pandemic unfortunately still raging on, it has been a lot harder on some days for me to find the strength to pull myself out of the darkness and keep going. I’ve been bogged down with negative thoughts swirling inside my mind. Thoughts try to convince me that I’m worthless, that my life is over, the pandemic is never going to end, that my dreams are a waste of time and I have no talent or creativity. Even when sitting down to write this very column, something I enjoy so much, I found myself feeling like I had nothing left to give. Through this turmoil, I’ve tried to engage a metaphorical forklift to bring myself out of these bad feelings, but no matter how hard I’ve tried, I still have days where I feel empty, lost, and exhausted.
I think back to a day when I was more emotionally overwhelmed than I’d been in years. I could not find one good thought inside my head. No method to soothe myself was effective, be it exercise, tidying the house, or watching my favorite YouTube channels. I still felt trapped and immobilized by my own mind. It got to the point of being so bad that for a few moments, I wanted to hurt myself. In those moments, I was convinced that was the only option. I was so sure that I had tried everything and that there was no possible way to find myself out of the mess I was in. I hadn’t had a thought like that since I was in high school. I was shocked with myself. I was shocked into remembering that I had not engaged in one of the most valuable options available when going through a moment of crisis: asking for help.
Thankfully, I was not alone on this day. I was able to sit myself on the floor, call to my partner, and explain that I was feeling horrible, and like I wanted to hurt myself. I needed him to sit with me until I was able to find myself again and move forward. We sat for a few minutes, on the floor, in silence. I didn’t need him to say or do anything, or try to fix how I was feeling, I just needed to be reminded that I was not alone and have a safe space to try to quiet my mind and find a grounding thought.
In those minutes on the floor of our apartment, I finally had a thought that shed some light. It was simple, and one I’m sure you’ve heard before, but has been what I’ve been clinging to on every tough day since this one: It’s ok to not be ok. This phrase is so simple but so very true. I feel that it’s true all the time, but especially right now as we continue to see such frequent pain and suffering in the world.
With all the heavy sorrow that we have been encountering every day for the last 19 or so months, it is simply unrealistic to expect ourselves to have a good day every day, or to function at the level that we did pre-pandemic. And even though things are working on getting better —and we are talking about the pandemic less and less often— the reality of the situation is that it is STILL. HAPPENING. And it’s still making life incredibly challenging for a lot of people. Even after this all (hopefully) becomes a distant memory, there are those who will still deal with the trauma caused by this terrible time in life. If you identify with this, you are not alone, and if you are ever in a position where you don’t think you can carry the load on your own, it is more than ok to ask for help.
I want to validate how challenging it can be to ask for help. It can be hard to navigate explaining your emotions or finding the right person to confide in. And when your mind is in a thick haze of confusion and sadness like mine was on that day, it can be hard to remember that help is even an option. You need to convince yourself that you deserve to be helped and then find the courage to ask for it. Moreover, when a person is emotionally struggling, they often hide their true emotions rather than share them, believing that it’s easier to say nothing. They fight through the pain alone rather than face the embarrassment, misunderstanding, and judgement, or risk being seen as foolish or (worst of all, in my opinion), as a burden on those around them.
The attitude that emotions are a burden and should be hidden needs to end. This attitude ignores the grave importance of our mental health. Not just on days of crisis, but every single day, we need to encourage people to talk about their feelings and help them to feel safe doing so. Because of the stigmas surrounding mental health and emotional conversation, you may have no idea that someone close to you is in a bad place, only to find out when it's too late. In this low moment that I experienced, before I was finally able to explain to my partner what I needed, I had gone through moments of saying I was “fine,” stomping around the house in a rage, brushing him off and even yelling at him. I didn’t think I needed to ask for help. I literally could not see that as an option with how badly I was feeling. Luckily, I finally knew that I needed to do what I could to protect myself by alerting him that I was in a crisis.
Your emotions are not a burden. Your life and your desire for happiness are not inconvenient. There are people who want to help you, so don’t be afraid. There are professionals who have dedicated their life to mental health, friends or loved ones who can offer security, and most of all, people who have been where you are. They are there to offer validation and encouragement in the best ways that they can.
I share my lowest lows to remind you that if or when you are at your own lowest, that you can find a way to feel better. During the writing of this very piece, I had many moments where I felt I couldn’t possibly help anyone with what I have to say. But what if I was the person finding this piece? It would help me to know that we all go through tough times. Sharing these moments is part of mental health advocacy and has the power to be a part of the much-needed culture change surrounding emotional conversation and support networks. It’s not just a small piece of writing, it’s an action that can have a big impact.
You may have a friend, co-worker, or a loved one going through a tough time. The act of checking in, offering a kind word, or simply being available and present is no small act. You have the potential to save someone from a seemingly insurmountable feeling of isolation. If you have it within yourself to hold space for someone in any way, do it. Use that space to remind them that they are not alone and encourage them to seek professional help so they can have a chance to learn more productive coping skills for any future times of crisis.
The world is still working on acknowledging how difficult an emotional struggle can be. Research is happening, but as the world progresses and emotional challenges increase (particularly with the heavy presence of social media in all of our lives) , we need to continue to make space for those that are struggling and remind them that they’re not alone in their struggle —that it’s ok to ask for help. That it’s ok to not be ok.
I want to offer a few affirmations for when you need a boost that gives you the courage to keep going:
· No matter how I show up today, I deserve to be here.
· My emotions are valid and deserve space
· My worth is a constant
· I am not alone
· I am allowed to ask for help
· It’s ok to not be ok
And here are a few things to check out that contain information, support, and reminders of the importance and impact of normalizing emotional communication:
Listen
24/7 By Kehlani: One of the realist, most straightforward songs about the fact that it’s ok not to be ok and that you are not alone when you’re feeling down.
Fake Happy by Paramore: A track that proves that so many are hiding behind a fake smile while struggling on the inside.
Montero by Lil Nas X: An album fully engineered for catharsis and emotional validation, with a dash of hype for when you need it. I promise you will find at least one song on this album that you need, identify with, or just enjoy.
Watch
Oprah's 2020 Vision Tour Visionaries: Lady Gaga Interview: The queen opens about all her moments of struggle throughout her life. This interview is sure to make you feel less alone and prove that anyone out there can struggle, and all struggle is valid
Pixar’s Inside Out: A movie for ALL ages that proves that feeling sad is essential, that sometimes you need to admit that you are not ok so you can get help from those around you who love you, and you never have to go it alone. All feelings matter and this movie illustrates that perfectly.
The Hidden Pandemic: This documentary shows the lives of individuals in Kansas City living with mental illness and how they navigate their lives with their unique mental health challenges. This doc is such a huge mental health advocacy piece. It talks about how essential it is to seek help if you are in need of it and how important it is to normalize conversations about mental illness.
Read
Asking for Help When You’re Depressed: This guide, written by Chris Iliades, MD for Everyday Health, has helpful information for those who suffer from depression on how to go about seeking help, as well as information for those who love someone with depression on how best to support them when they are struggling. This information can even be helpful for general emotional support guidance as well as asking for help with any sadness you are having.
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education Suicide Facts: If you are interested in more information about the current statistics on suicide, you can find them here
A Light in the Attic: Poems and Drawings by Shel Silverstein - This book of poems has helped me get out of my head and have a little laugh on the days when I needed a small respite from my anxiety and sadness. I like to read it in the morning on days when I’m finding it hard to get myself out of bed. When things feel extremely heavy, sometimes something lighter in your mind can be a huge help.
